Top 4 things you should never say to an Intended Parent, especially not an Intended Mom

1. "Have you talked to the mother lately?"  - I AM THE MOTHER!!! YOU ARE CURRENTLY SPEAKING WITH HER!  If you are referring to our surrogate, yes, I've spoken to her and she is doing fine.  But to clarify, she's not the mother.  (This was said to me yesterday from my mother-in-law.  I wanted to punch her.)
2. "So how much are you spending to buy this baby?"  - Seriously!  Why would anyone say that?   And yet, that is what a friend asked me last night over dinner.  First, it's soooooo inappropriate to ask someone about their finances and money.  Second, describing this process as "buying a baby" made me want to punch him as well.  Ugh.  Our surrogate is helping us to conceive...we didn't go to the store to pick one off the shelf.  
3. "What's her salary?" - referring to our surrogate.  She's not a paid employee.  Again, it's rude to discuss anything of the sort.  And yes, because she's doing this out of the graciousness of her heart...we want to repay her as best we can.  Let's leave it at that.  
4. "Are you afraid she's going to keep the baby?"  - No, I'm not afraid of that.  She has 4 children of her own and also, that is what lawyers and contracts are for.  Besides, see #1...she's not the mother.   And even if I was...why would you say something like that and put that energy out there?  

*Sigh* Having a baby via surrogacy requires thick skin and a lot of fortitude.  Hats off to all the other intended moms and their surrogates out there!  (Meanwhile, this list isn't even speaking to the comments that B gets as well.  One of the recent ones was a simple, "You're pregnant....AGAIN!"  Hahah!!  She was at least able to retort, "Yes, but it's not my baby this time!"

We made it to 13 Weeks!!

Let the second trimester begin!!

Okay...it seems to really depend on which baby tracking website you look at as to whether or not we've technically made it to the 2nd trimester.  Parenting Weekly emailed me this morning to congratulate me by saying "Yeah!  You've made it to the Honeymoon Trimester!" but Babycenter is telling me that we don't get to the honeymoon phase until 14 weeks.  Then after some digging around for which one is correct, I found that other sources say 12 weeks.  So with all this conflicting data in mind, I've decided to split the difference and accept the 13 weeks timeframe.  After all, it feels monumental getting to this point and we're looking for milestones people.  MILESTONES!!  :-)

So the big question on many people's mind is when are we going to start telling people.  (The "many people" I'm referring to are the several people that we've already told!!)  It's funny because I suppose we've been close-mouthed about it to some degree, and yet we've also shared the news with some of our closest friends, family and colleagues.  Yesterday, while being out enjoying the sunshine with some mutual friends in Prospect Park, I casually mentioned something about the baby to our friend's wife.  She turned and looked at me...her jaw dropped...and she said, "YOU'RE PREGNANT?!"

*Insert momentary awkward pause here*

I said, "Well, yes and no.  We're almost 13 weeks pregnant via gestational surrogate...but I thought you KNEW ALREADY!" I'd mistakenly assumed that her husband (who is one of N's closest friends) had told her b/c I knew N had told him.  Well, it turns out that he hadn't told her.  And all of our prior chit-chat during the walk in the park that had to do with baby books, etc...she simply thought that I was just interested in learning about babies!  Haha!!  She was very excited for us...which was great.

That was one of the better experiences I've had telling someone that we're expecting via someone else's uterus.  A number of the chats I've had have been much more awkward with that person not really knowing what to say.  Tomorrow I'm going to be telling my two assistants at work so they can mentally begin to prepare themselves for my maternity leave during our busiest time of year -- December!  We're starting the preparations for all of Holiday's workload right now, and so I want them to be fully enmeshed in what's going on b/c they will be bearing the brunt of the workload once I'm gone.   (P.S., I can't wait for 3 months maternity leave!!)

Lastly, but not least...N and I have been thinking a lot about how we're going to handle childcare.  For those of you living in NYC (or thinking about moving here), the cost of daycare is outrageous!  Expect to pay as much in childcare as you do for your outrageous rent each month!  OMG.  I almost died when I started seeing the actual costs start to come in.  Not to mention that many daycares won't even take babies.  So after my 3 months maternity is up, N has decided to stay at home to be on daddy duty.  He's freelance anyways, so he's basically cutting way down on his work.  And if anything really amazing comes up in the process, then we'll hire a nanny/babysitter on an as-needed basis....or call in N's mom who lives 2 hours away.

After that ends, I'm looking into a nanny-share.  A friend of ours who we were out with yesterday was telling us about their situation.  It sounds GREAT.  Basically the parents split the cost of the nanny...making it more comparable to traditional daycare...but with the flexibility of a nanny.  It really does make me wish though that my family lived close by.  Growing up I always had family taking care of me when I was small and my mom was working.  It would be so awesome to have our child grow up staying with aunts/cousins/etc.  Oh well...maybe if we ever move to another state.   :-\

Okay, enough for today.  I'm breathing a big sigh of relief that we've made it to the Honeymoon Trimester.  And I just thank god for our fortune that even though we chose to do a Single Embryo Transfer, we managed to get pregnant on our first try.  We really do feel blessed and so thankful.  To all the other moms out there still trying or in-progress, know that I'm holding you all in my thoughts and prayers.

7dpt - HPT Results - Second line still there!

Well, it's now 7 days post transfer and B (our surrogate) is still showing a second pink line for the 1st Response brand HPT.  Yesterday, B used another brand and didn't get a line (not sure of the brand).  She tried both brands today, and says there is a very faint line on the second brand.  (I can't see it in the pics, but she assures me it's there.)  Meanwhile, the original 1st response brand second pink line seems to be showing a bit stronger than our 5dpt pics.

I'm trying to find out what the second brand of HPT is from the agency.  (They're the ones who sent them to her.)  Once I find out, I'll update the post.  At any rate, I don't like that new version b/c I have no idea what I'm supposed to be looking at.  UPDATE:  The second version is from www.early-pregnancy-tests.com

In the meantime, we have our first beta test on Monday.  It was originally Tuesday, but the RE moved it to Monday.

*Fingers Crossed for good numbers!!*

5dpt - Home Pregnancy Test: Early Results!

 

Do you see what that is right there?

A FAINT PINK LINE!!! 

Do you want to see it a little bit closer?!  

Yep!  It's really there!!  I know it's only 5dpt (5 days post transfer), and a lot of things could go wrong, but this is the first step towards a BFP (Big Fat POSITIVE)!!!!  OMG...so happy!!!!  :-)

A few resources for Intended Moms looking for extra reading material

As an intended mom, I've found that I have become a voracious online reader of anything to do with surrogacy, especially stories of other people's journeys.  There are definitely some great blogs out there, but I also wanted to point out something a bit more traditional - the book "Surrogacy was the Way."

I recently read Zara Griswold's compilation of twenty mothers' stories, and it really helped give a total overview of lots of different experiences from start to finish...especially as it related to the feelings of lack of control, the endless waiting, the reasons why we're infertile in the first place, and of course the complicated feelings around the relationship with our surrogate mothers...

I'm very thankful to have a great relationship with my surrogate mother, but we are also at the beginning stages of this journey and I wanted to get a sense of all the different experiences that other women had gone through....all the way to the end.  How did their relationship change (if at all) once the baby was born?  How did they deal with the stress of simply waiting and not being in control of anything?  What were their frustrations along the way.  The book is written very candidly, and I highly recommend it to anyone looking to do surrogacy or in the beginning to middle stages of your journey.  I even made my husband read it.  Ha!!

The one thing I didn't find in this book was my particular reason for infertility, but she does have a variety of issues in general...so I think most people will find someone to identify with on a very personal level.

Besides this book, I've found a couple of other favorites that I think are worth pointing out:

1. Intended Mom Gingerelle's series of Youtube videos giving her account of her twins' transfer and birth.  I found these to be particularly great, and she's very entertaining to boot.  Her surrogate mother also has a great corresponding set of videos too.  Overall, these two might win the world's cutest surro/IM award!!
2. Bernadette's Journey at her blog Rasta Less Traveled.  I constantly look forward to her updates, and even though she's still in the middle of her journey, it's been great to follow along.  

There are certainly lots of other blogs out there (and you can find them over there...to the right!), but these are my two favorites.  (No disrespect to anyone else out there!!)  Plus most of the other experiences I'm finding on blogs are taking place with SCI in India.  (It seems like everyone on the Internet is going to India these days!)  Since we ended up going with an agency here in the states, I'm constantly on the prowl for more Intended Mom blogs based here....so if anyone knows of any, please let me know in the comments!   My blog reader isn't getting updated frequently enough with posts from other Intended Moms!  (All I do all the time is hit refresh on my blog reader and on my email inbox!!!!  You other intended moms will know what I mean!  And to think that we haven't even gotten to our first transfer yet!!)

Worry. Depression. Waiting. Fear. Infertility.

Being an infertile woman is something I know how to do very well...after all, I've been living it for the last....oh....20 years.  Exactly 20 years!  I was 16 when I found out that I wouldn't be able to have a child.  Just like so many of you dealing with infertility, I'll never forget that moment.  That summer after I found out, I just remember falling into a deep depression and never wanting to leave the house.  I didn't feel normal, and I was so angry at God.  "Why would he do this to me?!"  I was so worried that no one would ever love me and a million other fears & worries.  All I wanted to do was sleep it all away.

Luckily over the years, I've grown to love myself and accept the situation.  And even though we're now trying to have a baby with a surrogate, sometimes...that old fear and doubt creeps in.

"What if maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom?"
"Maybe this was the world's way of telling me that I wouldn't be good at it?""
"Maybe I should just spare myself the trouble of having a kid that will grow up and hate me!"  "What if my child turns into a drug addict or kitten killer?!"

I mean, after all...for so many years, I told people I didn't care about having children right?  I didn't even really "like" kids....right?!

Well, it certainly was easier to say that and push it out of my mind than to open my heart and hope.  Open my heart to wanting it.  But all of a sudden, that heart has burst open and can't be controlled anymore.  Still, I worry sometimes.  This whole surrogacy thing is a lot of money.  And trouble.  And pain.  And heartache.  And stress.

I've actually debated whether or not to really go forward with this blog and write here after my first post.  After all, it's scary opening myself up to "the world" about something I kept hidden for so long.  But ultimately I decided to continue on...mainly because I need the support from a community of people going thru the same journey.  With the same fears and worries.   Worry that they will be a terrible mom after all.  Fear that this whole thing is so expensive and in the end, they'll have spent all their savings and still not have a family...

It's a lot easier to just go to sleep and forget about the things that hurt inside.  But I've made this decision to carry on and create a family.  That means having to grow and change....and set aside some of those old fears and worries that I've lived with for 20 years.

And in less than a month we'll be in California for our first transfer!  I'm scared as crap, but excited beyond belief at the same time.  I never thought I'd be this close!!

Introduction

Hello blog world!  My name is Michelle, and I'm an intended mom living in Brooklyn.  My husband and I are in the process of trying to have a baby...the hard way.  Via an egg donor and surrogate.

(My mom always told me that I tend to do things the hard way.  I guess she was right. Ha!)

So far we're about 6 months into this process, and after following a bunch of other surrogacy blogs....I decided to start my own.  Partially as a way to document our own process (and to help fill up all the time...waiting), but also because I still feel there are a lot of women out there who just need to feel like someone is going through this process too, and that they're not alone.

At this stage of the journey, we have a surrogate (based here in the U.S.), an egg donor (we're on our second), and we're headed for our very FIRST transfer....hopefully....in a month or so.  I'll go into the reasons why we're on our second egg donor, and yet no transfer another time.  Also, I'll elaborate on my infertility story in another post, but for now I wanted to say hi and get something up here.  :-)