Gifts for your Surrogate on Transfer Day?

Hey there, I know there are VERY few of you reading this, but in case anyone is and wants to give any thoughts, I'd love to know what you have either a) given your surrogate or b) received as a surrogate from your IPs when you go in for transfer day?  Just thinking that we'd like to do something.  I already got some cute stuff for her kids, but wanted to get her something too of course.  :-)

Worry. Depression. Waiting. Fear. Infertility.

Being an infertile woman is something I know how to do very well...after all, I've been living it for the last....oh....20 years.  Exactly 20 years!  I was 16 when I found out that I wouldn't be able to have a child.  Just like so many of you dealing with infertility, I'll never forget that moment.  That summer after I found out, I just remember falling into a deep depression and never wanting to leave the house.  I didn't feel normal, and I was so angry at God.  "Why would he do this to me?!"  I was so worried that no one would ever love me and a million other fears & worries.  All I wanted to do was sleep it all away.

Luckily over the years, I've grown to love myself and accept the situation.  And even though we're now trying to have a baby with a surrogate, sometimes...that old fear and doubt creeps in.

"What if maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom?"
"Maybe this was the world's way of telling me that I wouldn't be good at it?""
"Maybe I should just spare myself the trouble of having a kid that will grow up and hate me!"  "What if my child turns into a drug addict or kitten killer?!"

I mean, after all...for so many years, I told people I didn't care about having children right?  I didn't even really "like" kids....right?!

Well, it certainly was easier to say that and push it out of my mind than to open my heart and hope.  Open my heart to wanting it.  But all of a sudden, that heart has burst open and can't be controlled anymore.  Still, I worry sometimes.  This whole surrogacy thing is a lot of money.  And trouble.  And pain.  And heartache.  And stress.

I've actually debated whether or not to really go forward with this blog and write here after my first post.  After all, it's scary opening myself up to "the world" about something I kept hidden for so long.  But ultimately I decided to continue on...mainly because I need the support from a community of people going thru the same journey.  With the same fears and worries.   Worry that they will be a terrible mom after all.  Fear that this whole thing is so expensive and in the end, they'll have spent all their savings and still not have a family...

It's a lot easier to just go to sleep and forget about the things that hurt inside.  But I've made this decision to carry on and create a family.  That means having to grow and change....and set aside some of those old fears and worries that I've lived with for 20 years.

And in less than a month we'll be in California for our first transfer!  I'm scared as crap, but excited beyond belief at the same time.  I never thought I'd be this close!!

Introduction

Hello blog world!  My name is Michelle, and I'm an intended mom living in Brooklyn.  My husband and I are in the process of trying to have a baby...the hard way.  Via an egg donor and surrogate.

(My mom always told me that I tend to do things the hard way.  I guess she was right. Ha!)

So far we're about 6 months into this process, and after following a bunch of other surrogacy blogs....I decided to start my own.  Partially as a way to document our own process (and to help fill up all the time...waiting), but also because I still feel there are a lot of women out there who just need to feel like someone is going through this process too, and that they're not alone.

At this stage of the journey, we have a surrogate (based here in the U.S.), an egg donor (we're on our second), and we're headed for our very FIRST transfer....hopefully....in a month or so.  I'll go into the reasons why we're on our second egg donor, and yet no transfer another time.  Also, I'll elaborate on my infertility story in another post, but for now I wanted to say hi and get something up here.  :-)