Monday, February 20, 2012

Worry. Depression. Waiting. Fear. Infertility.

Being an infertile woman is something I know how to do very well...after all, I've been living it for the last....oh....20 years.  Exactly 20 years!  I was 16 when I found out that I wouldn't be able to have a child.  Just like so many of you dealing with infertility, I'll never forget that moment.  That summer after I found out, I just remember falling into a deep depression and never wanting to leave the house.  I didn't feel normal, and I was so angry at God.  "Why would he do this to me?!"  I was so worried that no one would ever love me and a million other fears & worries.  All I wanted to do was sleep it all away.

Luckily over the years, I've grown to love myself and accept the situation.  And even though we're now trying to have a baby with a surrogate, sometimes...that old fear and doubt creeps in.

"What if maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom?"
"Maybe this was the world's way of telling me that I wouldn't be good at it?""
"Maybe I should just spare myself the trouble of having a kid that will grow up and hate me!"  "What if my child turns into a drug addict or kitten killer?!"

I mean, after all...for so many years, I told people I didn't care about having children right?  I didn't even really "like" kids....right?!

Well, it certainly was easier to say that and push it out of my mind than to open my heart and hope.  Open my heart to wanting it.  But all of a sudden, that heart has burst open and can't be controlled anymore.  Still, I worry sometimes.  This whole surrogacy thing is a lot of money.  And trouble.  And pain.  And heartache.  And stress.

I've actually debated whether or not to really go forward with this blog and write here after my first post.  After all, it's scary opening myself up to "the world" about something I kept hidden for so long.  But ultimately I decided to continue on...mainly because I need the support from a community of people going thru the same journey.  With the same fears and worries.   Worry that they will be a terrible mom after all.  Fear that this whole thing is so expensive and in the end, they'll have spent all their savings and still not have a family...

It's a lot easier to just go to sleep and forget about the things that hurt inside.  But I've made this decision to carry on and create a family.  That means having to grow and change....and set aside some of those old fears and worries that I've lived with for 20 years.

And in less than a month we'll be in California for our first transfer!  I'm scared as crap, but excited beyond belief at the same time.  I never thought I'd be this close!!

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad to see you had the courage to try. Never giving up is a great trait you will pass along to your child.
    Blogging REALLY helped me while we were too nervous to tell friends and family what we were up to. It's amazing how supportive total strangers can be. It makes me look at the world in a different way.