A whole lotta catchin' up to do...

A good bit has happened since I last posted...so I'll just jump into it.

I'll start with the sad news first.  I decided to stop trying to induce lactation.  It was making me crazy.  I just couldn't pump enough per day while working to produce more than barely a few drops per day.  I honestly don't know how anyone with a job can do it, but I'm sure it's possible.  Also, not being on my HRT was tough.  I hadn't had any estrogen in months and I was not feeling normal.  I had zero energy.  I was cranky.  For anyone who knows anything about HRT (and going off of it), you'll understand the other physical side effects too.  What put me over the edge was that I read an article online written by a woman talking about how struggling to breastfeed was causing her to not focus on her baby, but on herself and her failure.  It rang true with me, and made me realize that I wanted to enjoy these last few months with just me and my husband.  And then when the baby comes, I want it to just be about enjoying being with her.  For anyone else out there trying to induce lactation, I give you all serious props...and major respect!  When the baby comes, I think I'll look into a milkshare.  If anyone knows anything or has experience with that, leave me a note in the comments section.

Now for all the good news!  I feel GREAT being back on estrogen.  I feel like my NORMAL self again.  My energy level is returning back to normal.  I'm not on the verge of crying at work.  And it's only been less than a week back.  Yay!

As for the baby, we're now in the THIRD TRIMESTER!!!  I can't believe we've made it!!  As of today, we've got 79 days to go!  Woohoo!!

B sent us a baby bump pic on Monday to show us how big she is!!  So exciting that lil baby girl is in there hanging out just waiting to meet us!!!  B is doing great herself and doesn't have any issues right now.
 

Last bit of good news.  N got a new full-time job starting mid-October!!  We're super excited and will be feeling slightly less stressed about how expensive it is to raise a baby in NYC.  Now if only we could find a daycare...  The one we liked now doesn't have any openings until Sept 2013.  Only in New York.  :-\

Inducing Lactation Chronicles: Some things aren't in the instructions!

So it's day 14 of trying to induce lactation, and things are still VERY slow going.  This morning was the first morning I got drops that actually fell off into the breastpump (as opposed to clinging onto my nipple for dear life and then drying up).  Roughly I got 3 drops.  It's felt like blood, sweat and tears getting here though.  But for this morning, I feel victorious!

Earlier in the week I'd emailed back and forth with Lenore about what was possibly wrong and why I wasn't producing any milk.  She informed me that a) I was probably drinking too much water and to only drink when I was thirsty.  b) I was probably pumping too hard and not to put the breast pump higher than medium.  c) I was probably not pumping enough times per day.  The last one I knew b/c I've only managed 5-6 times per day vs. the required 8 in the protocol.  (I seriously don't know how women with full time jobs manage to do this.) But the other two, were never mentioned in the protocol she sent me originally.  In fact, it clearly states to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.  (Sometimes I wasn't even getting that!)  And as for the pumping, well...I assumed harder was better.  Give a girl some info on how to use that thing!  Lastly she suggested that I see a lactation consultant.

Later, this week N and I were excited to visit a pediatrician for a prenatal visit to check out whether or not we'd want to use her as our PCP.  One of the big reasons we were excited was because she was also a lactation consultant(!), and I was hoping for some big revelation.  Well, the revelation didn't come although the meeting was interesting in other ways that I'll get into later in the post.  The doc had no history with a woman trying to induce lactation, so she referred me to THE lactation counselor of Brooklyn.  I've had no less than four different people refer me to her, and so I decided it was time to give Freda a call.

We spoke yesterday and she gave me a couple of additional tidbits of info that Lenore did not.  First and foremost, she was a bit dubious that this was going to work well in my case.  The main reason being she said was that she doubted my milk ducts were developed enough b/c I'd never actually been pregnant (even with a miscarriage).  She confirmed that re-lactating is much easier, but trying to get milk from someone who's never been pregnant is truly hard.  (Yeah, I know!!!  But it was just nice hearing her confirm it.)  However, she still thought it was worth continuing on, and hopefully it would get better and more milk would come. Especially since I have almost 3 months before the baby comes.  She also confirmed to start with the pump on the lowest setting, and slowly turn the intensity of the pump up.  Medium she said was a good level, and if it ever started to hurt then it was too high.  (Now I know!!?!*$&#)  She agreed that the protocol and everything else I was doing was good, and said she wouldn't change anything.  She suggested I check back in in another month.

With all that info, I have a bit more peace.  I'm not failing.  It's just HARD!  And my body doesn't turn on it's milk ducts like a light switch.  So part of me still wants to stop, but the other part wants to continue on.  Especially with this morning's victory of three drops!

So in summary here's what was NOT in my instructions for women who've never been pregnant before:

• Drink water when you're thirsty
• Start the pump low, and then slowly turn it up to medium.
• If the breast pumping hurts, it means you're doing it on too high of a setting.
• Definitely pump 8 times per day.  Very important.  (Still the most difficult one though.)
• Don't be so hard on yourself.  

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Now for a quick recap of the visit to the pediatrician's office.  

Apparently it's normal for families to meet in groups for a new pediatrician consult, so I was surprised that the doctor let us have a solo (and free) consultation with her.  The first thing she asked obviously was when we were due and did I have any medical issues.  So I told her yes, I had AIS and therefore couldn't carry a child of my own.  We went over some normal baby-related questions and things about her practice, but it seemed that the majority of the visit consisted of her asking me about AIS. This was the first time that N had ever been with me when I was getting grilled by a medical professional about my diagnosis, so it was interesting for him to watch me "educate" someone on my medical condition.  

That's basically what it's like whenever I go to a new doctor.  She said she wanted to go home that night and read up on it b/c she'd *maybe* met one other woman like me in her career.  (Don't I feel special?)  

She asked about "the mother" two different times and whether or not she had the option to keep the baby.  Which I informed her that in gestational surrogacy she is not related to the baby, and reminded her that we were using an egg donor.  She also suggested that I should look for new parent groups so that I wouldn't feel isolated.  But then said, well, you might feel more isolated b/c the other moms would be weird with you since you're not actually pregnant.  (You never know just how isolated you feel until someone reminds you of how isolated you must feel.)  

In the end, I don't think this was the right doctor for us.  

Sisters of a Tribe 2.0

This past weekend I went to a conference in Oklahoma for women affected by AIS and other DSDs.  It was a life changing experience for me to meet so many other women experiencing the same condition as me (or something similar to it).   I'm having trouble even putting down the words to describe what it was like meeting so many other beautiful and courageous women that just "get it" b/c they've been there too.  It definitely made me proud that I created this blog to share the truth about my story and our surrogacy journey.

Anyways...not much else to say on this topic b/c my heart is just too full.  

Inducing Lactation: Day 8, plus quick update

Today is the first day of increasing my dosage of domperidone.  It doubles today, and so far everything has gone pretty well I suppose.  This past week I had minor headaches at night, in particular.  I'm not entirely sure that it's due to the domperidone, though I suspect it is.  I'm hoping it's just due to seasonal allergies.  If it is the domperidone, then I suspect it's b/c I'm not drinking enough water.  So as I head into this second week of meds, I'm definitely going to increase my water consumption.  I'm trying to limit my caffeine intake as well.  One and a half cups of coffee a day.  I should probably have even less than that, but talk about causing a headache without it!!  OMG.  The headaches have started around 10pm and last through the night.  I usually wake up during the night and drink some water by my bed, and fall back asleep.  Then once I wake up (in the morning), have some coffee and more water the headache goes away.  The rest of the day, I'm fine.  Has anyone else inducing lactation had this problem?  Especially frustrating since I'm only a WEEK into the medications.   :-\

In terms of any visible breast change, there hasn't been a ton in just a week.  Although I've  noticed they've gotten a bit larger, they mostly feel different.  Fuller. Bouncier.  My husband is definitely liking the change!!  Haha!  (We'll see how things progress as I get further into this process.)

Not much else to tell really.  We're playing the famous surrogacy "Waiting Game" over here.  I feel like everything I do these days involves waiting.  B says the baby is growing well and doing fine.  Nothing major to report.  We touch base about once a week.  (Again with the waiting. These are the moments when I wish she and I were closer, both physically and personally.  But at the end of the day, we both have our reservations about getting too close I think.  So in the meantime, I just wait and try to fill up my time reading blogs and focus on getting my meds correct.)  Waiting is one of the hardest parts of this process, especially for an impatient Taurus like myself.

Oh, and for anyone else going through the surrogacy journey, have you recently tallied up how much $$ you've spent on the process so far?  Did it make your stomach jump up in your throat!?

Ohmigod!

Although I know we've spent less than many b/c our first attempt was successful (which I'm eternally grateful for), I will say that wow...all those meds, fees, lawyers, ivf, gifts, flights, bed rest, cards, hotels, etc add up quickly!  We're now almost at the $$ amount where I hoped we'd be at the END....and we still have 5 months to go!  Thankfully a lot of it is advance money paid out in escrow, but still.  Once again, I have to salute everyone going through this process b/c it's draining both mentally...and financially.

But even with the humdrum waiting and gasp-inducing financial revelations, I haven't lost sight (or excitement for) the end result!!  I'm so excited about meeting our little bean for the first time, that I can't stand it.  At the end of this road, all the hard stuff will be worth it!  Even our one little fur kid that is a complete terror must be getting excited because on this morning's walk, he didn't freak out at all when a little girl on a scooter rode by him with about 6" to spare.  That is a miracle indeed!

Sisters of a Tribe

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who dreamed of having a sister.  Just one...or maybe, if she was lucky...two.

She wanted someone to share clothes with.
And tell stories to.
And laugh with.
And dream of boys with.

But she had no sister.  It was sometimes lonely.

And as she grew up, she began to realize she was...
Different.

She wasn't like the other girls she knew.  They kissed boys.  Shaved their legs.  Got their period.

And she felt even more...alone.   And she told no one how she felt.  Or what her secret was.  Because she was afraid she'd be laughed at and rejected.

She grew older.  Stayed silent.  Told no one her secret.

But one day, she realized that being alone was a choice she'd made.

A self-imposed prison.

And come to find out... her sisters had been there all along.  Waiting to meet her...and they understood exactly how she felt.  They were sisters of the same tribe.

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Meeting other women struggling with infertility and going through the journey of surrogacy has been so wonderful.  But one of the reasons I particularly wanted to start this blog was because I didn't see any other stories out there of a woman with AIS going through a similar journey.  And so I wanted to put my story out there...like a message in a bottle.  In case it someday reached the shores of someone who needed to read it and feel like they weren't alone.

Writing this blog and going through this process has not only opened so many doors in my heart...but opened up lines of communication as well.  And I can't thank my new sister enough for helping me find my tribe.

Eden, you are the best.  :-)

And to anyone else looking for their tribe, I encourage you to reach out.  You don't have to go it alone anymore.  

Where it all began: My Infertility Story

It all has to begin somewhere, right?  I mean, all of us dealing with infertility have a story...and it's only in the past few years where I've really started to understand how many different versions of the story there is:  Endometriosis. PCOS. MRKH. Asherman's Syndrome. Swyer's Syndrome. Turner's Syndrome. Not to mention all the different forms of cancer.  And then there's me.  Just one of the crowd.

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to start my period so that I could look like all the pretty grown-up ladies.  I was a BIG fan of Barbie, and definitely prayed that God would be benevolent and give me "big boobs."  However, by the time I had turned 16 and still not started my period (much less gotten those big boobs I was so desperate for)...I was beginning to get WORRIED.

"What was going on?  Why was I such a late bloomer?!"

My previous family doctor had always told me not to worry.  It was "no big deal", and things would happen when my body was ready.  But my old doctor (emphasis on the word old) had since retired, and I was becoming increasingly impatient and worried.  My new family doctor gave me a pelvic exam, and then promptly sent me to the gynecologist with no diagnosis.

Not a good sign, in my opinion.

Turns out I was right.  It wasn't a good sign.  My new gynecologist didn't really tell me what was wrong at first.  She took some blood work, did a pelvic exam...and sent me on my way to  summer camp.  All I kept thinking the entire week I was away at summer camp was that I was so excited to get back home and hopefully they'd be able to give me a pill to kickstart my period.  Hopefully things would be a-ok very soon!

Well, when I got home from camp...I went straight to the doctor's office.  She informed me that my long-awaited period was never coming because my "ovaries were twisted," and that they "hadn't formed properly in my mother's womb."  Because of that, I needed them removed immediately or they'd turn cancerous.  Oh, and by the way, I had no fallopian tubes or uterus, so I could never have a child.

I was D.E.V.A.S.T.A.T.E.D.

No big boobs, and now no children either?!!?!  I basically didn't leave the house for an entire summer. My mother refused to accept it, and I never told anyone.  I felt so ashamed.  Worried that I would never be loved, and that no one would ever want to marry me.  After all, who would want someone that was so broken?

Finally, after two years I was able to accept it and have the surgery done to remove "my twisted ovaries."  It was 5 months after my 18th birthday.  I'd finally had my first kiss that summer by a boy I'd been in love with for years.  I never told anyone that I was even going to the hospital to have the surgery.  I just wanted it all to be done so that I could forget.

After that my body had no way of producing any hormones, and I was put on hormone replacement therapy.  I'm still on it to this day.  But it took YEARS for me to finally learn the TRUTH about what was/is wrong with me.  My doctor wouldn't tell me.  My mother (if she actually knew) wouldn't tell me.

It turns out that I have a genetic disorder called Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (Complete AIS). It means I have XY chromosomes, yet I'm a girl!  I didn't even know it was possible.  I'd never heard of such a thing.  And it's taken many years to gather the courage to tell anyone...period.  In fact, if my infertility came up somehow, I'd give a blase answer about cancer.  (So, yeah...basically I lied.  But it was...and still is....easier.)  Besides my mom and my doctors, my husband was the first other person to know the truth...and it took me years to tell him.  I was so ashamed & worried how people would react because it's not something anyone ever talks about.  I didn't want to be bullied or asked silly questions about whether or not I was a guy.  So yeah...no one talks about weird genetic idiosyncrasies like mine on the other infertility & surrogacy blogs...and to my knowledge, I'll be the only AIS blog that I've found on the internet.  After all these years of secrecy, it feels strange to put it out here like this, and the only reason I'm doing it is because I know there are a number of other women with AIS who might want to choose surrogacy and egg donation too...and I hope that my story will help someone.  

Now I've grown to accept it for what it is...another one of the causes of infertility.  It's no longer the identity crisis that it once was, and it's something that I've known about and lived with for 20 years.  In fact, I feel lucky to not have had to try [and fail] with IVF treatments.  We knew straight-away that if we wanted "biological" children, this would be the way we'd have to do it.

All I know is that I'm so grateful that this option exists for us.  I'm so grateful that there are women out there that will donate their eggs to another couple, and that someone is willing to carry our child. At 16, I felt like the world was over...but what I realized is that it was just changing.  It wasn't what I'd thought it would be like, but life has been GREAT so far!  I can't wait for the next chapter in our lives to begin!




Oh...and hey...that's me over there!  :-)