Update: Paid Maternity Leave Drama

So it's day #2 trying to deal with the bombshell that my company won't pay for my maternity leave because I'm not the one who's technically giving birth.  This infuriates me because the company pays for other women's maternity leave.  Am I not equal to them?  Is my child somehow lesser than because I was not able to carry it?

Human Resources is currently "discussing the matter" with the VP of Benefits in my company, and I hope they can come up with a solution that allows me my pay.   But I'm livid about getting this sprung on me so late in the game when they knew my situation.  This makes me so angry.

If it doesn't get resolved by the end of the week, then I'm taking it directly to the President of the company.  This is outrageous!

36 weeks: Long overdue update

So today is 36 weeks, and I'm long overdue for an update.  A lot has happened since my last one... We set up the baby's nursery.  We decided on a name.  Hurricane Sandy hit Brooklyn.  My friend and mother-in-law threw me a baby shower.   Human resources at my job dropped a major bomb on me.

But first, let's start at the beginning...

Two weekends ago, N and I finally had a free moment to buckle down and put the baby's room together.   What started out as a simple rearranging of furniture, turned into larger painting project too.  The baby's room had already been painted and so we felt like we were in good shape, but when we started moving stuff around in our dining room (now our catch-all family room) we realized the walls needed some major help.  Anyways, the end result is great and the baby's room is really cute.  Here's a peak.

Our baby room theme is loosely based on a children's book called "Maude & Claude Go Abroad."  It's about two little fox siblings that want to travel the world and end up meeting a whale who becomes their friend.  (The book was merely a way for me to decorate around foxes, whales and travel.  Oh, and with a little vintage mixed in of course.) 

N is making the baby (who's name is 99.9% likely going to be Fiona) a mobile with characters from the story.  And I'm making her a patchwork baby blanket that consists of napkins from our wedding.  I'm getting much further along and hope to finish it this weekend.

Then Hurricane Sandy hit, and we were cooped up in the apartment for days.  Fortunately we had power so we were able to continue working on our baby craft projects, but sadly many of our friends and co-workers were not so lucky.  We feel very blessed to have come out of everything alive and well.

After spending the entire week on our sofa (attempting to work from home), we escaped to Philly for the baby shower.  It was great seeing friends and family come together to celebrate Fiona's arrival. My friend said it was the first time she'd ever been to a baby shower where the mom was double fisting champagne.  (Oh well, there's a first time for everything!!)

This cashmere blend baby blanket with a fox on it is probably my favorite gift that we received.  It's sooooo soft and it's not PINK!!  :-)  Plus I love foxes!

Unfortunately today, Human Resources at my job decided to ruin my day when they came down to inform me that it doesn't look like I'll be able to take a paid maternity leave.  What?!?  WHAT?!?!  This is news to me and coming at a very late stage in this process.   Tomorrow I have another meeting with them to further discuss the matter.  As it turns out, if you're not pushing the baby out of your vajayjay, then the world seems to want to rain on your parade.  Oh well....hopefully I'll have better news on that.

Inducing Lactation: Day 3

Just to recap, I am planning on inducing lactation for our baby that is now due in 175 days!!  (We're 15 weeks today!  Whoppppeeee!)  I'm using the Newman-Goldfarb method to induce lactation with the "Regular Protocol for Mothers over 35" also called the "Menopause Protocol."   (Though you can understand why my vanity might not allow me to refer to it that way.  Haha.) Also, to recap, I'm on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) so that factors into things a bit here as well.

First step.  Talk to my doctor.  I FINALLY got him on the phone about this b/c I didn't want to drive all the way to South Jersey for an appt.  He only knew a bit about this process, and suggested I look up the "Lenore Goldfarb method."  I laughed and told him that I already had, which is why I was calling to talk to him.  He was fine with all of the protocols, so I went on to the...

Second step.  I stopped my HRT.  Basically the estrogen in my HRT reduces the amount of milk that will be produced.  A friend successfully breastfed using this method, but kept with her HRT during the time of breastfeeding.  She said it severely limited her milk production, so she (and Lenore) recommended that I stop it during this time.  (Side note, I'm taking a Calcium supplement to help replace the calcium my bones may lose during this time.  For some reason I have always had a brain blockage against taking vitamins.  Probably b/c I already feel I have to take one everyday.)

Third step.  Start the Provera and Domperidone combination.  (Provera 2.5mg per day + 10mg domperidone 4 x per day.)  Seeing as how this is Day 3, not much has really happened yet.  I have noticed a bit of dry mouth from the domperidone, but I'm trying to drink more water...which is something Lenore suggested anyways.  Next week I'll be increasing the domperidone dose to 20mg 4 x per day.  Will need even more water. 

I bought my Domperidone (Motilium) and Provera from a pharmacy online based in New Zealand called inhousepharmacy.biz.  Domperidone isn't common in the U.S. and is only available at certain compounding pharmacies, plus my insurance is kind of sucky sometimes about prescriptions...so I went with this option.  The meds came really quick and look perfect.  Here's a pic of what you can expect from them if you order the same meds.  (Note this pic was taken once I'd already opened them and started taking my meds. It didn't come with opened containers!)  

So yeah...not much to tell at the moment other than joking about how I'm finally going to be a Double D.  Haha.   

As a plus, my friend let me have her breast pump (and a Moby Wrap too)!  I'll be keeping everyone updated on the progress, especially since it seems to make people weirded out when I've said anything about breastfeeding the baby.    

And again...for anyone looking how to induce lactation, here's the protocol I'm using.  

Sisters of a Tribe

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who dreamed of having a sister.  Just one...or maybe, if she was lucky...two.

She wanted someone to share clothes with.
And tell stories to.
And laugh with.
And dream of boys with.

But she had no sister.  It was sometimes lonely.

And as she grew up, she began to realize she was...
Different.

She wasn't like the other girls she knew.  They kissed boys.  Shaved their legs.  Got their period.

And she felt even more...alone.   And she told no one how she felt.  Or what her secret was.  Because she was afraid she'd be laughed at and rejected.

She grew older.  Stayed silent.  Told no one her secret.

But one day, she realized that being alone was a choice she'd made.

A self-imposed prison.

And come to find out... her sisters had been there all along.  Waiting to meet her...and they understood exactly how she felt.  They were sisters of the same tribe.

********
Meeting other women struggling with infertility and going through the journey of surrogacy has been so wonderful.  But one of the reasons I particularly wanted to start this blog was because I didn't see any other stories out there of a woman with AIS going through a similar journey.  And so I wanted to put my story out there...like a message in a bottle.  In case it someday reached the shores of someone who needed to read it and feel like they weren't alone.

Writing this blog and going through this process has not only opened so many doors in my heart...but opened up lines of communication as well.  And I can't thank my new sister enough for helping me find my tribe.

Eden, you are the best.  :-)

And to anyone else looking for their tribe, I encourage you to reach out.  You don't have to go it alone anymore.  

Just because she couldn't resist one more HPT!

B sent me a text of one she "forgot to send me!"  So here's a pic of the HPT she took yesterday morning before our beta.  Ha!  So excited for tomorrow's results!!!!  Keep praying that the beta numbers double!

5dpt - Home Pregnancy Test: Early Results!

 

Do you see what that is right there?

A FAINT PINK LINE!!! 

Do you want to see it a little bit closer?!  

Yep!  It's really there!!  I know it's only 5dpt (5 days post transfer), and a lot of things could go wrong, but this is the first step towards a BFP (Big Fat POSITIVE)!!!!  OMG...so happy!!!!  :-)

And let the waiting begin...

Waiting is the hardest part of this whole process.  Now that we’ve had our first transfer, all I can do is sit here and [im]patiently wait for time to pass.

First it was for our surro to feel better.  (She got a stomach bug almost immediately after our transfer and felt terrible.)  Thankfully it lasted only 24 hours, and she feels better now.  Our RE said that it shouldn't affect the embryo transfer.  We're hoping that's the case!!

Then it was for her to get back to the airport and be safely on her journey home.  

And now it’s for enough time to pass for her to be able to take her first home pregnancy test.  *Fingers crossed for a positive!*

Oh god, the waiting portion of this whole process is excruciating.  Especially this first bit…although I’m sure all of it will be tough.  Not much to do but sit and be anxious.  I try not to be, but it’s definitely hard, especially after having read so many other people’s stories.  I know all the things that could happen. 

***********

And as an update on our embryos for anyone else going through this type of thing and want to know...today I spoke to my RE and he informed me that we have a total of 23 embryos from our original 33 that made it to freezing stage…or “cryopreservation.”  (Saying that sounds so sci-fiction.)  Of course, we’re hoping that we won’t need to use any of those 23 until a potential later date for a sibling.  (Assuming we could ever afford to do this again.)   *Praying that we’re lucky on the first try!*

Where it all began: My Infertility Story

It all has to begin somewhere, right?  I mean, all of us dealing with infertility have a story...and it's only in the past few years where I've really started to understand how many different versions of the story there is:  Endometriosis. PCOS. MRKH. Asherman's Syndrome. Swyer's Syndrome. Turner's Syndrome. Not to mention all the different forms of cancer.  And then there's me.  Just one of the crowd.

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to start my period so that I could look like all the pretty grown-up ladies.  I was a BIG fan of Barbie, and definitely prayed that God would be benevolent and give me "big boobs."  However, by the time I had turned 16 and still not started my period (much less gotten those big boobs I was so desperate for)...I was beginning to get WORRIED.

"What was going on?  Why was I such a late bloomer?!"

My previous family doctor had always told me not to worry.  It was "no big deal", and things would happen when my body was ready.  But my old doctor (emphasis on the word old) had since retired, and I was becoming increasingly impatient and worried.  My new family doctor gave me a pelvic exam, and then promptly sent me to the gynecologist with no diagnosis.

Not a good sign, in my opinion.

Turns out I was right.  It wasn't a good sign.  My new gynecologist didn't really tell me what was wrong at first.  She took some blood work, did a pelvic exam...and sent me on my way to  summer camp.  All I kept thinking the entire week I was away at summer camp was that I was so excited to get back home and hopefully they'd be able to give me a pill to kickstart my period.  Hopefully things would be a-ok very soon!

Well, when I got home from camp...I went straight to the doctor's office.  She informed me that my long-awaited period was never coming because my "ovaries were twisted," and that they "hadn't formed properly in my mother's womb."  Because of that, I needed them removed immediately or they'd turn cancerous.  Oh, and by the way, I had no fallopian tubes or uterus, so I could never have a child.

I was D.E.V.A.S.T.A.T.E.D.

No big boobs, and now no children either?!!?!  I basically didn't leave the house for an entire summer. My mother refused to accept it, and I never told anyone.  I felt so ashamed.  Worried that I would never be loved, and that no one would ever want to marry me.  After all, who would want someone that was so broken?

Finally, after two years I was able to accept it and have the surgery done to remove "my twisted ovaries."  It was 5 months after my 18th birthday.  I'd finally had my first kiss that summer by a boy I'd been in love with for years.  I never told anyone that I was even going to the hospital to have the surgery.  I just wanted it all to be done so that I could forget.

After that my body had no way of producing any hormones, and I was put on hormone replacement therapy.  I'm still on it to this day.  But it took YEARS for me to finally learn the TRUTH about what was/is wrong with me.  My doctor wouldn't tell me.  My mother (if she actually knew) wouldn't tell me.

It turns out that I have a genetic disorder called Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (Complete AIS). It means I have XY chromosomes, yet I'm a girl!  I didn't even know it was possible.  I'd never heard of such a thing.  And it's taken many years to gather the courage to tell anyone...period.  In fact, if my infertility came up somehow, I'd give a blase answer about cancer.  (So, yeah...basically I lied.  But it was...and still is....easier.)  Besides my mom and my doctors, my husband was the first other person to know the truth...and it took me years to tell him.  I was so ashamed & worried how people would react because it's not something anyone ever talks about.  I didn't want to be bullied or asked silly questions about whether or not I was a guy.  So yeah...no one talks about weird genetic idiosyncrasies like mine on the other infertility & surrogacy blogs...and to my knowledge, I'll be the only AIS blog that I've found on the internet.  After all these years of secrecy, it feels strange to put it out here like this, and the only reason I'm doing it is because I know there are a number of other women with AIS who might want to choose surrogacy and egg donation too...and I hope that my story will help someone.  

Now I've grown to accept it for what it is...another one of the causes of infertility.  It's no longer the identity crisis that it once was, and it's something that I've known about and lived with for 20 years.  In fact, I feel lucky to not have had to try [and fail] with IVF treatments.  We knew straight-away that if we wanted "biological" children, this would be the way we'd have to do it.

All I know is that I'm so grateful that this option exists for us.  I'm so grateful that there are women out there that will donate their eggs to another couple, and that someone is willing to carry our child. At 16, I felt like the world was over...but what I realized is that it was just changing.  It wasn't what I'd thought it would be like, but life has been GREAT so far!  I can't wait for the next chapter in our lives to begin!




Oh...and hey...that's me over there!  :-)

A few resources for Intended Moms looking for extra reading material

As an intended mom, I've found that I have become a voracious online reader of anything to do with surrogacy, especially stories of other people's journeys.  There are definitely some great blogs out there, but I also wanted to point out something a bit more traditional - the book "Surrogacy was the Way."

I recently read Zara Griswold's compilation of twenty mothers' stories, and it really helped give a total overview of lots of different experiences from start to finish...especially as it related to the feelings of lack of control, the endless waiting, the reasons why we're infertile in the first place, and of course the complicated feelings around the relationship with our surrogate mothers...

I'm very thankful to have a great relationship with my surrogate mother, but we are also at the beginning stages of this journey and I wanted to get a sense of all the different experiences that other women had gone through....all the way to the end.  How did their relationship change (if at all) once the baby was born?  How did they deal with the stress of simply waiting and not being in control of anything?  What were their frustrations along the way.  The book is written very candidly, and I highly recommend it to anyone looking to do surrogacy or in the beginning to middle stages of your journey.  I even made my husband read it.  Ha!!

The one thing I didn't find in this book was my particular reason for infertility, but she does have a variety of issues in general...so I think most people will find someone to identify with on a very personal level.

Besides this book, I've found a couple of other favorites that I think are worth pointing out:

1. Intended Mom Gingerelle's series of Youtube videos giving her account of her twins' transfer and birth.  I found these to be particularly great, and she's very entertaining to boot.  Her surrogate mother also has a great corresponding set of videos too.  Overall, these two might win the world's cutest surro/IM award!!
2. Bernadette's Journey at her blog Rasta Less Traveled.  I constantly look forward to her updates, and even though she's still in the middle of her journey, it's been great to follow along.  

There are certainly lots of other blogs out there (and you can find them over there...to the right!), but these are my two favorites.  (No disrespect to anyone else out there!!)  Plus most of the other experiences I'm finding on blogs are taking place with SCI in India.  (It seems like everyone on the Internet is going to India these days!)  Since we ended up going with an agency here in the states, I'm constantly on the prowl for more Intended Mom blogs based here....so if anyone knows of any, please let me know in the comments!   My blog reader isn't getting updated frequently enough with posts from other Intended Moms!  (All I do all the time is hit refresh on my blog reader and on my email inbox!!!!  You other intended moms will know what I mean!  And to think that we haven't even gotten to our first transfer yet!!)

My Bucket List

Yesterday as I was walking home from work, I began thinking about all the things I want to do before kicking the bucket.  And so...I thought I'd keep this as a running list to be a reminder of all the wonderful things yet to accomplish in this life.

1. Have a baby (We're working on that one!!)
2. Ride in a hot air balloon
3. Visit Iceland 
4. Travel via camper van through New Zealand
5. Visit South Africa
6. Go to India  (Funny, our original plan with surrogacy was to use SCI in India, but we ended up finding a wonderful agency here and decided to try doing it in the U.S.!)
7. Ride in a helicopter through New York City
8. Visit Alcatraz  (I just booked a ticket for this one actually while on an upcoming business trip!!)
9. Learn how to quilt  (I bought a book for this one.  Now I just have to start!) 
10. Visit all the 50 United States.   (So far, I've been to 31!!)

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Worry. Depression. Waiting. Fear. Infertility.

Being an infertile woman is something I know how to do very well...after all, I've been living it for the last....oh....20 years.  Exactly 20 years!  I was 16 when I found out that I wouldn't be able to have a child.  Just like so many of you dealing with infertility, I'll never forget that moment.  That summer after I found out, I just remember falling into a deep depression and never wanting to leave the house.  I didn't feel normal, and I was so angry at God.  "Why would he do this to me?!"  I was so worried that no one would ever love me and a million other fears & worries.  All I wanted to do was sleep it all away.

Luckily over the years, I've grown to love myself and accept the situation.  And even though we're now trying to have a baby with a surrogate, sometimes...that old fear and doubt creeps in.

"What if maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom?"
"Maybe this was the world's way of telling me that I wouldn't be good at it?""
"Maybe I should just spare myself the trouble of having a kid that will grow up and hate me!"  "What if my child turns into a drug addict or kitten killer?!"

I mean, after all...for so many years, I told people I didn't care about having children right?  I didn't even really "like" kids....right?!

Well, it certainly was easier to say that and push it out of my mind than to open my heart and hope.  Open my heart to wanting it.  But all of a sudden, that heart has burst open and can't be controlled anymore.  Still, I worry sometimes.  This whole surrogacy thing is a lot of money.  And trouble.  And pain.  And heartache.  And stress.

I've actually debated whether or not to really go forward with this blog and write here after my first post.  After all, it's scary opening myself up to "the world" about something I kept hidden for so long.  But ultimately I decided to continue on...mainly because I need the support from a community of people going thru the same journey.  With the same fears and worries.   Worry that they will be a terrible mom after all.  Fear that this whole thing is so expensive and in the end, they'll have spent all their savings and still not have a family...

It's a lot easier to just go to sleep and forget about the things that hurt inside.  But I've made this decision to carry on and create a family.  That means having to grow and change....and set aside some of those old fears and worries that I've lived with for 20 years.

And in less than a month we'll be in California for our first transfer!  I'm scared as crap, but excited beyond belief at the same time.  I never thought I'd be this close!!

Introduction

Hello blog world!  My name is Michelle, and I'm an intended mom living in Brooklyn.  My husband and I are in the process of trying to have a baby...the hard way.  Via an egg donor and surrogate.

(My mom always told me that I tend to do things the hard way.  I guess she was right. Ha!)

So far we're about 6 months into this process, and after following a bunch of other surrogacy blogs....I decided to start my own.  Partially as a way to document our own process (and to help fill up all the time...waiting), but also because I still feel there are a lot of women out there who just need to feel like someone is going through this process too, and that they're not alone.

At this stage of the journey, we have a surrogate (based here in the U.S.), an egg donor (we're on our second), and we're headed for our very FIRST transfer....hopefully....in a month or so.  I'll go into the reasons why we're on our second egg donor, and yet no transfer another time.  Also, I'll elaborate on my infertility story in another post, but for now I wanted to say hi and get something up here.  :-)