Breast milk or Formula?!

We know that breast milk wins in the battle between formula and milk from the boob.  It even states that breast milk is better for the baby on formula packaging!  So of course, I'm not going to dispute the facts.  But I am going to say that for those of us NOT able to breastfeed, you may feel a bit like a pariah when hanging out with your other mommy friends who all proudly have their baby latched onto their boob at the local bar.  (Hey, it's where my mommy group meets up, okay!)

There's a lot of emotions/worry/fear/anxiety that comes along with raising a child in modern day America.  A ton of those which relate directly to how you're doing as a mom and the choices you make each day.  Are you holding your child non-stop?  Do you let the tv play in her presence?  Do you only eat organic food so that her breastmilk is the best ever?

I chronicled my own attempts to induce lactation and alas it was not to be.  I did however gain 15 lbs that I can't seem to lose.  (It all sits on my hips and abdomen too by  the way.  You'd think it would go to my boobs....but noooooooo.)  Because literally every other mom I know is breastfeeding, I do feel a bit self-conscious about whipping out the bottle.  Another reminder that my pregnancy wasn't "the normal one."  But thanks to my friend Tonya and the website Milkshare, I've been able to secure a decent amount of supplementary breast milk for Fiona.  Not enough to sustain her of course, but enough so that I joke each bottle is adding another point to her future SAT scores.  LOL.

Anyways, I post this so that other moms who can't breastfeed know that they're not alone.  And I also wanted to post a link to Milkshare b/c there are other awesome moms out there who have more milk supply than they know what to do with, and are happy to donate to moms who can't produce.  Thankfully, I've found a new mom who's daughter is two days older than Fiona who is donating all her extra to us on an ongoing basis.  I simply cannot express how amazed I am at how giving other people are.

The news media would have us believe that the world is nothing but evil people, and keep us in fear.  But each day, I am humbled by the kind and generous people I meet.

And lastly, our little gal doesn't seem to be doing so bad on mostly formula!  She's a little chunker that is already weighing in at 11 lbs.  She's 6 weeks old today!   Man, do I love a chubby baby.  :-)

My little lamb...and her lamb.

A whole lotta catchin' up to do...

A good bit has happened since I last posted...so I'll just jump into it.

I'll start with the sad news first.  I decided to stop trying to induce lactation.  It was making me crazy.  I just couldn't pump enough per day while working to produce more than barely a few drops per day.  I honestly don't know how anyone with a job can do it, but I'm sure it's possible.  Also, not being on my HRT was tough.  I hadn't had any estrogen in months and I was not feeling normal.  I had zero energy.  I was cranky.  For anyone who knows anything about HRT (and going off of it), you'll understand the other physical side effects too.  What put me over the edge was that I read an article online written by a woman talking about how struggling to breastfeed was causing her to not focus on her baby, but on herself and her failure.  It rang true with me, and made me realize that I wanted to enjoy these last few months with just me and my husband.  And then when the baby comes, I want it to just be about enjoying being with her.  For anyone else out there trying to induce lactation, I give you all serious props...and major respect!  When the baby comes, I think I'll look into a milkshare.  If anyone knows anything or has experience with that, leave me a note in the comments section.

Now for all the good news!  I feel GREAT being back on estrogen.  I feel like my NORMAL self again.  My energy level is returning back to normal.  I'm not on the verge of crying at work.  And it's only been less than a week back.  Yay!

As for the baby, we're now in the THIRD TRIMESTER!!!  I can't believe we've made it!!  As of today, we've got 79 days to go!  Woohoo!!

B sent us a baby bump pic on Monday to show us how big she is!!  So exciting that lil baby girl is in there hanging out just waiting to meet us!!!  B is doing great herself and doesn't have any issues right now.
 

Last bit of good news.  N got a new full-time job starting mid-October!!  We're super excited and will be feeling slightly less stressed about how expensive it is to raise a baby in NYC.  Now if only we could find a daycare...  The one we liked now doesn't have any openings until Sept 2013.  Only in New York.  :-\

Inducing Lactation Chronicles: Some things aren't in the instructions!

So it's day 14 of trying to induce lactation, and things are still VERY slow going.  This morning was the first morning I got drops that actually fell off into the breastpump (as opposed to clinging onto my nipple for dear life and then drying up).  Roughly I got 3 drops.  It's felt like blood, sweat and tears getting here though.  But for this morning, I feel victorious!

Earlier in the week I'd emailed back and forth with Lenore about what was possibly wrong and why I wasn't producing any milk.  She informed me that a) I was probably drinking too much water and to only drink when I was thirsty.  b) I was probably pumping too hard and not to put the breast pump higher than medium.  c) I was probably not pumping enough times per day.  The last one I knew b/c I've only managed 5-6 times per day vs. the required 8 in the protocol.  (I seriously don't know how women with full time jobs manage to do this.) But the other two, were never mentioned in the protocol she sent me originally.  In fact, it clearly states to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.  (Sometimes I wasn't even getting that!)  And as for the pumping, well...I assumed harder was better.  Give a girl some info on how to use that thing!  Lastly she suggested that I see a lactation consultant.

Later, this week N and I were excited to visit a pediatrician for a prenatal visit to check out whether or not we'd want to use her as our PCP.  One of the big reasons we were excited was because she was also a lactation consultant(!), and I was hoping for some big revelation.  Well, the revelation didn't come although the meeting was interesting in other ways that I'll get into later in the post.  The doc had no history with a woman trying to induce lactation, so she referred me to THE lactation counselor of Brooklyn.  I've had no less than four different people refer me to her, and so I decided it was time to give Freda a call.

We spoke yesterday and she gave me a couple of additional tidbits of info that Lenore did not.  First and foremost, she was a bit dubious that this was going to work well in my case.  The main reason being she said was that she doubted my milk ducts were developed enough b/c I'd never actually been pregnant (even with a miscarriage).  She confirmed that re-lactating is much easier, but trying to get milk from someone who's never been pregnant is truly hard.  (Yeah, I know!!!  But it was just nice hearing her confirm it.)  However, she still thought it was worth continuing on, and hopefully it would get better and more milk would come. Especially since I have almost 3 months before the baby comes.  She also confirmed to start with the pump on the lowest setting, and slowly turn the intensity of the pump up.  Medium she said was a good level, and if it ever started to hurt then it was too high.  (Now I know!!?!*$&#)  She agreed that the protocol and everything else I was doing was good, and said she wouldn't change anything.  She suggested I check back in in another month.

With all that info, I have a bit more peace.  I'm not failing.  It's just HARD!  And my body doesn't turn on it's milk ducts like a light switch.  So part of me still wants to stop, but the other part wants to continue on.  Especially with this morning's victory of three drops!

So in summary here's what was NOT in my instructions for women who've never been pregnant before:

• Drink water when you're thirsty
• Start the pump low, and then slowly turn it up to medium.
• If the breast pumping hurts, it means you're doing it on too high of a setting.
• Definitely pump 8 times per day.  Very important.  (Still the most difficult one though.)
• Don't be so hard on yourself.  

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Now for a quick recap of the visit to the pediatrician's office.  

Apparently it's normal for families to meet in groups for a new pediatrician consult, so I was surprised that the doctor let us have a solo (and free) consultation with her.  The first thing she asked obviously was when we were due and did I have any medical issues.  So I told her yes, I had AIS and therefore couldn't carry a child of my own.  We went over some normal baby-related questions and things about her practice, but it seemed that the majority of the visit consisted of her asking me about AIS. This was the first time that N had ever been with me when I was getting grilled by a medical professional about my diagnosis, so it was interesting for him to watch me "educate" someone on my medical condition.  

That's basically what it's like whenever I go to a new doctor.  She said she wanted to go home that night and read up on it b/c she'd *maybe* met one other woman like me in her career.  (Don't I feel special?)  

She asked about "the mother" two different times and whether or not she had the option to keep the baby.  Which I informed her that in gestational surrogacy she is not related to the baby, and reminded her that we were using an egg donor.  She also suggested that I should look for new parent groups so that I wouldn't feel isolated.  But then said, well, you might feel more isolated b/c the other moms would be weird with you since you're not actually pregnant.  (You never know just how isolated you feel until someone reminds you of how isolated you must feel.)  

In the end, I don't think this was the right doctor for us.  

Breast Pumping: Day 8

It's been 8 days since I started breast pumping in my goal to induce lactation.  I'm sad to say that so far I've had very poor results.  I get MAYBE a drop out of righty if I'm lucky.  Lefty is being very uncooperative and producing nothing.  Sometimes I get nothing out of both.  I've upped my domperidone dosage to 100 mg per day.  30 mg twice per day and 20 mg twice per day.  This is up from 80 mg per day.  I'm pumping about 5-6 times per day which seems to be all that I can manage at this point.  (The suggested time is 8 times per day, but I honestly don't know how anyone with a job can manage that.)

I'm trying not to let these results get me down.

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On a completely unrelated and much happier note, N and I went to Milford, PA this weekend to enjoy a little mini-babymoon in honor of Labor Day weekend.  We went tubing down the Delaware River, hiking with our dogs, ate lots of delicious food and generally had a great time.  (I know it doesn't sound like an exotic place to go for a babymoon, but relaxing down the Delaware was definitely a treat.  And I am not taking days off prior to the baby coming so that I can use all those PTO days for my maternity leave.  The goal is staying out of work for 4 months!)

Anyways, here'a  pic of our relaxing weekend.  

Breast pumping: Day 2

Only got a very teeny drop from each one during the pumping sessions.  I'm trying not to feel discouraged since everyone's body is different, and it's only Day 3 (this morning).  But I went back and re-read Tonya's first post about her inducing, and it made me feel even less successful.  Oh well, keep plugging away.  Just wanted to give an update.

25 wks 6 days: Making progress!! Plus breast pumping.

Well, a lot has gone on this weekend so far...and it's not even over yet!  N and I went down to Pennsylvania to visit his family and drop off some of our things into storage.  Out went the kitchen table, kitchen chairs, and an upholstered chair from the "office."  Back to NY came a rug for the baby's room. It's a nice gray solid wall-to-wall wool carpet that's bound on all four edges.  (If you don't have a lot of money to spend on a rug, I highly recommend going to your local carpet store and picking up a remnant and having it bound.  It's not a lot of money and you can find some really nice carpet pieces.)  We also got a thick pad for underneath the carpet which will give the baby some additional cushion during tummy time.  I'm also a firm believer in rugs & carpets to help soundproof.  Since we live in an apartment on the top floor, I want to do as much as I can to help reduce the frustration my neighbors are going to experience during middle of the night crying sessions.  :-(

Yesterday we also went over to Babies R Us and met up with some very great friends of ours for a family shopping excursion.  (Fun way to see your friends when they have kids btw!) They needed to get their 11 month old some new clothes, and we wanted to get a car seat.  (Plus they were kind enough to give us their Rock-n-Play Sleeper which is going to be awesome for when we travel to pick up the baby!)  At any rate, Babies R Us is having a trade-in event right now where you can bring in any old gear (like the old car seat from 2007 my boss gave me) and get 25% off a new car seat or stroller, etc.  I felt a little bit bad about the whole trade-in with the one my boss gave me b/c she meant well...but it was missing it's base, and it was kind of grubby.  Plus it was on the cusp of having expired.  I like saving money, but I also want my baby to be safe and snug.  Anyways, we got the Chicco KeyFit 30 Magic Infant Car Seat.  We liked it best because the hood pulls over farther than any other, and it has a velcro-on all-weather "boot" for cold weather.  Since our little girl is going to be born just a few days shy of December, I figured all that would help keep out the cold more.  The one bad thing about the car seat is it's rather ugly and has brown ultrasuede trim.  Oh well...I can't complain too much b/c we got 25% off.

While we were there, N and I decided to register as well.  Going to a Babies R Us store in the suburbs is a totally different experience than going in NYC.  The one in the city is PACKED and it's overwhelming to say the least.  The ones in the Philly suburbs have nice salespeople who have never questioned my lack of a baby bump! I love that!!!  It got huge points from me.  Plus they have great specialists who knew all about the different products.  Anyways, N was really getting into registering...especially for things like bibs and accessories.  Haha.  I liked sharing that experience with him.  And it was much better to see things in person than when I registered at Amazon.  Although I have to say that Babies R Us has less selection than Amazon, so we'll end up keeping both.  Meanwhile, our moms are trying to figure out a baby shower.  My MIL thinks it's not proper etiquette for her to throw one, and a friend of mine has offered...but has since gone MIA.  So I dunno.  I'm not too worried, I'm sure they'll figure it out b/c my mom and his mom are dying to do it.  Looks like it will be around Oct 6th.

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And finally, I started pumping today at long last!  As a reminder, I've been on both Provera and Prometrium (alternately) and the Domperidone.  So far, I haven't taken any fenugreek or blessed thistle herbs.  Anyways, I started pumping and got a few teeeeeensy clear drops out of the lefty.  Nothing out of righty yet.  I'm super excited to even get a tiny bit of anything on the first try!  I couldn't believe it!   What I'm not excited about is having to pump 8 times per day for 20 minutes!!  OMG!  Especially at work.  I'm not sure how I'll get through that.  But where there's a will there's a way!!

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On the baby front, I spoke with B two days ago and everything is going great!  The baby has been moving quite a bit....all the time now.  B said it used to just be at night, but now it's all day.  She's also been craving peanut butter sandwiches nonstop (which is good I suppose b/c it's one of my favorite foods too!) and she's been getting heartburn a lot.  B thinks all the heartburn means that the baby is going to have a head full of hair.  I hope that's what it means.  It would be pretty awesome to have a baby with hair!  N and I both were complete baldies for awhile.  Apparently his family used to refer to him as Uncle Fester when he was a baby.  Hahaha!!

Anyways, that's it for now.  More later as I continue to pump!  Cross your fingers that I start getting a lot soon!  I think I'm going to start adding a Guinness each night to help build my milk supply.  Apparently it's supposed to help, and also since I don't get to drink any more (partially b/c of the breastfeeding but mainly b/c of the dehydration it causes from the domperidone), I'm excited to get a little something to help relax at the end of the day!

21 week update

My wonderful aunt text messaged me this evening with "No blog post!?!  Are you okay?"  So I thought I'd post just to let everyone know what's going on with us these days.

• We're super excited about having a girl!!  To make it feel more real, cute gifts have already started rolling in...including the crib, some adorable baby clothes from my sister, and some crib bedding.   
• Realizing that I'd better start registering to figure out the rest of what we'd need, I've been spending my nights working on our registry by comparing reviews on bottles, pack-n-plays, and looking at cute baby clothes.  We're registered at amazon b/c they have it all! (And yes, I am the type of person who compares reviews on baby bottles.)
• I signed up for zulily.com based on a recommendation from a friend...and I've already made TWO purchases in one week.  It turns out girls clothes are ADORABLE and getting deals so cheap made me HAVE to purchase them.  As soon as they come in, I'll post pics.  I love a good flash sale site...so that plus baby stuff is lethal.  Need to stop looking at zulily asap.  :-)
• N and I have been thinking about baby names A LOT!  It's the first question people have asked when we tell them that we're having a girl.  And yes, we have a number of names on the list.  We just can't seem to decide which one.
• Fiona - one of my favorite names since I was a kid.  I fell in love because of an actress from Days of Our Lives.  What can I say?  Do I care that there's a green princess from Shrek with the same name?  Slightly...but not much.  
• Gwendolyn "Gwenna" - always liked the long version, and I like the short version as something similar to Emma.
• Kenzie - my mother's maiden name is McKenzie, and therefore have always loved it as a name for a girl.  However it's my cousin's first name too.  Feeling like it might be too close.  Still love the familial connection.
• Rowan - I love boys names for girls, and this is one of them.  Plus I love the Irish connection which both N and I have.  
• Aria - N really loves this name, and I like it too...but am a bit concerned b/c it's a character on our favorite show "Game of Thrones."  Could become very popular b/c of that.  
• June - It's the month we started dating...and the month we got married.  I love it because it's simple and classic.  (Also like the Italian version Junia.)
• Magnolia - I love this name because it's unusual but familiar.  It invokes memories of the South which is where I grew up...and where our daughter is being born.  It's the state tree of Mississippi, and the flowers smell great.  
• Genevieve - Maybe I watched too much "Trading Spaces," but either way...I love this name. 
• Lucinda - Lucinda Williams is a wonderful singer that we both love.  I also love the short version Lucy.   (Be glad we didn't go for Emmylou b/c we adore Emmylou Harris as well.)
• We've been figuring out some projects in the apartment that we need to do before the baby comes...such as making more room in the closet (which is to soon become her domain.) 
• I've been still taking my pills to induce lactation...but just this week switched from Provera to Prometrium.  Tonya convinced me that I should switch since I wasn't feeling much palpable results from the Provera.  Here's hoping it gets better soon.  And in another 28 days I'll be pumping.  Definitely hoping for something!!  

Also, I'd love to give a big hug to all the people out there that have been supporting me through this.  This blog has been amazing to connect with family and friends (both new and old).  I'm so glad that you are all here and understand.  *HUGS*

p.s. The baby and B are both doing fine.  :-)

Inducing lactation, week 3 update

So I still haven't started pumping.  I am holding off for longer.  No good reason I suppose, other than the fact that my breasts just don't feel ready yet.  Others have reported a feeling of engorgment - like they needed to pump.  Mine have not gotten that feeling yet.  So I'm going to give it at least another week.  Maybe even two.

I have noticed some general side effects of the provera + domperidone combination.  They are:  general tiredness and lack of energy, slightly more scatterbrained than usual, major dehydrated mouth/body if I'm not drinking tons of water (and don't even think of drinking alcohol while taking the dom b/c you'll be double dehydrated).  I don't know how much of the tiredness and scatterbrained-ness is due to my lack of HRT.  My body is used to having estrogen each day, and now with zero estrogen, I can tell you that life isn't pleasant - the particulars I will leave out.  Therefore I upped an estrogen supplement that I used to take 3 times per week to almost daily.  It's not my full regimen, but it's helping somewhat.  So far this inducing lactation thing has not been for the faint of heart.  I'm probably also holding off on starting to use the breast pump b/c it's just one more thing.

At any rate, I'm powering through.  It will all be worth it in the end.  Please pray that my body starts responding more robustly to the meds.  It would be great to really be able to get some milk after all this craziness.  :-)

Oh, and we're 18 weeks and 1 day!  Woot woot!!  It's going fast.  Well, sort of.  I can't believe that it will be less than 2 weeks for our big ultrasound when we're going to be down South with B.  I'm so excited for some bbq and sweet tea!

Inducing Lactation: Day 8, plus quick update

Today is the first day of increasing my dosage of domperidone.  It doubles today, and so far everything has gone pretty well I suppose.  This past week I had minor headaches at night, in particular.  I'm not entirely sure that it's due to the domperidone, though I suspect it is.  I'm hoping it's just due to seasonal allergies.  If it is the domperidone, then I suspect it's b/c I'm not drinking enough water.  So as I head into this second week of meds, I'm definitely going to increase my water consumption.  I'm trying to limit my caffeine intake as well.  One and a half cups of coffee a day.  I should probably have even less than that, but talk about causing a headache without it!!  OMG.  The headaches have started around 10pm and last through the night.  I usually wake up during the night and drink some water by my bed, and fall back asleep.  Then once I wake up (in the morning), have some coffee and more water the headache goes away.  The rest of the day, I'm fine.  Has anyone else inducing lactation had this problem?  Especially frustrating since I'm only a WEEK into the medications.   :-\

In terms of any visible breast change, there hasn't been a ton in just a week.  Although I've  noticed they've gotten a bit larger, they mostly feel different.  Fuller. Bouncier.  My husband is definitely liking the change!!  Haha!  (We'll see how things progress as I get further into this process.)

Not much else to tell really.  We're playing the famous surrogacy "Waiting Game" over here.  I feel like everything I do these days involves waiting.  B says the baby is growing well and doing fine.  Nothing major to report.  We touch base about once a week.  (Again with the waiting. These are the moments when I wish she and I were closer, both physically and personally.  But at the end of the day, we both have our reservations about getting too close I think.  So in the meantime, I just wait and try to fill up my time reading blogs and focus on getting my meds correct.)  Waiting is one of the hardest parts of this process, especially for an impatient Taurus like myself.

Oh, and for anyone else going through the surrogacy journey, have you recently tallied up how much $$ you've spent on the process so far?  Did it make your stomach jump up in your throat!?

Ohmigod!

Although I know we've spent less than many b/c our first attempt was successful (which I'm eternally grateful for), I will say that wow...all those meds, fees, lawyers, ivf, gifts, flights, bed rest, cards, hotels, etc add up quickly!  We're now almost at the $$ amount where I hoped we'd be at the END....and we still have 5 months to go!  Thankfully a lot of it is advance money paid out in escrow, but still.  Once again, I have to salute everyone going through this process b/c it's draining both mentally...and financially.

But even with the humdrum waiting and gasp-inducing financial revelations, I haven't lost sight (or excitement for) the end result!!  I'm so excited about meeting our little bean for the first time, that I can't stand it.  At the end of this road, all the hard stuff will be worth it!  Even our one little fur kid that is a complete terror must be getting excited because on this morning's walk, he didn't freak out at all when a little girl on a scooter rode by him with about 6" to spare.  That is a miracle indeed!

Inducing Lactation: Day 3

Just to recap, I am planning on inducing lactation for our baby that is now due in 175 days!!  (We're 15 weeks today!  Whoppppeeee!)  I'm using the Newman-Goldfarb method to induce lactation with the "Regular Protocol for Mothers over 35" also called the "Menopause Protocol."   (Though you can understand why my vanity might not allow me to refer to it that way.  Haha.) Also, to recap, I'm on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) so that factors into things a bit here as well.

First step.  Talk to my doctor.  I FINALLY got him on the phone about this b/c I didn't want to drive all the way to South Jersey for an appt.  He only knew a bit about this process, and suggested I look up the "Lenore Goldfarb method."  I laughed and told him that I already had, which is why I was calling to talk to him.  He was fine with all of the protocols, so I went on to the...

Second step.  I stopped my HRT.  Basically the estrogen in my HRT reduces the amount of milk that will be produced.  A friend successfully breastfed using this method, but kept with her HRT during the time of breastfeeding.  She said it severely limited her milk production, so she (and Lenore) recommended that I stop it during this time.  (Side note, I'm taking a Calcium supplement to help replace the calcium my bones may lose during this time.  For some reason I have always had a brain blockage against taking vitamins.  Probably b/c I already feel I have to take one everyday.)

Third step.  Start the Provera and Domperidone combination.  (Provera 2.5mg per day + 10mg domperidone 4 x per day.)  Seeing as how this is Day 3, not much has really happened yet.  I have noticed a bit of dry mouth from the domperidone, but I'm trying to drink more water...which is something Lenore suggested anyways.  Next week I'll be increasing the domperidone dose to 20mg 4 x per day.  Will need even more water. 

I bought my Domperidone (Motilium) and Provera from a pharmacy online based in New Zealand called inhousepharmacy.biz.  Domperidone isn't common in the U.S. and is only available at certain compounding pharmacies, plus my insurance is kind of sucky sometimes about prescriptions...so I went with this option.  The meds came really quick and look perfect.  Here's a pic of what you can expect from them if you order the same meds.  (Note this pic was taken once I'd already opened them and started taking my meds. It didn't come with opened containers!)  

So yeah...not much to tell at the moment other than joking about how I'm finally going to be a Double D.  Haha.   

As a plus, my friend let me have her breast pump (and a Moby Wrap too)!  I'll be keeping everyone updated on the progress, especially since it seems to make people weirded out when I've said anything about breastfeeding the baby.    

And again...for anyone looking how to induce lactation, here's the protocol I'm using.