Please pray...B is bleeding.

Just putting it out there so all of you can say a prayer (or cross your fingers...whatever) for B. She started bleeding today and had to go to the emergency room. They did an ultrasound and she texted to say that they still found a heartbeat at 138 bpm, but she may have to go on bed rest and is still talking with the doctor. Please pray that everything is okay with our baby. That little kidney bean needs to keep growing!!

Update:  B was sent home and ordered bed rest through next week.  Apparently the baby is fine, and the bleeding (which B said was quite a bit) was due to an irritated cervix?  Not sure what that means or why it would have caused her to bleed so much, but hopefully she gets better soon and off bed rest.  I know how she hates to be down, especially with 4 kids.  Of course, still we'd appreciate any positive thoughts and prayers for the baby's continued well-being.  Thanks all!

2nd Beta Results are in!!

Our 2nd beta results are in...and we went from 130 to 350! Is this the time when we say we're officially pregnant?! Can't wait for that ultrasound in two weeks! Okay, now is the time to start hitting babycenter.com and following along with our pregnancy!

Just because she couldn't resist one more HPT!

B sent me a text of one she "forgot to send me!"  So here's a pic of the HPT she took yesterday morning before our beta.  Ha!  So excited for tomorrow's results!!!!  Keep praying that the beta numbers double!

1st Beta Results are in!!!

B's HCG result came in at.....


























130! 

8dpt - HPT results - BFP!!!

There's no denying that both the cheapie strip test and the FRER test are showing pink lines today!  So excited!  And our first beta results test is tomorrow!  I can't wait to update you all!

7dpt - HPT Results - Second line still there!

Well, it's now 7 days post transfer and B (our surrogate) is still showing a second pink line for the 1st Response brand HPT.  Yesterday, B used another brand and didn't get a line (not sure of the brand).  She tried both brands today, and says there is a very faint line on the second brand.  (I can't see it in the pics, but she assures me it's there.)  Meanwhile, the original 1st response brand second pink line seems to be showing a bit stronger than our 5dpt pics.

I'm trying to find out what the second brand of HPT is from the agency.  (They're the ones who sent them to her.)  Once I find out, I'll update the post.  At any rate, I don't like that new version b/c I have no idea what I'm supposed to be looking at.  UPDATE:  The second version is from www.early-pregnancy-tests.com

In the meantime, we have our first beta test on Monday.  It was originally Tuesday, but the RE moved it to Monday.

*Fingers Crossed for good numbers!!*

5dpt - Home Pregnancy Test: Early Results!

 

Do you see what that is right there?

A FAINT PINK LINE!!! 

Do you want to see it a little bit closer?!  

Yep!  It's really there!!  I know it's only 5dpt (5 days post transfer), and a lot of things could go wrong, but this is the first step towards a BFP (Big Fat POSITIVE)!!!!  OMG...so happy!!!!  :-)

And let the waiting begin...

Waiting is the hardest part of this whole process.  Now that we’ve had our first transfer, all I can do is sit here and [im]patiently wait for time to pass.

First it was for our surro to feel better.  (She got a stomach bug almost immediately after our transfer and felt terrible.)  Thankfully it lasted only 24 hours, and she feels better now.  Our RE said that it shouldn't affect the embryo transfer.  We're hoping that's the case!!

Then it was for her to get back to the airport and be safely on her journey home.  

And now it’s for enough time to pass for her to be able to take her first home pregnancy test.  *Fingers crossed for a positive!*

Oh god, the waiting portion of this whole process is excruciating.  Especially this first bit…although I’m sure all of it will be tough.  Not much to do but sit and be anxious.  I try not to be, but it’s definitely hard, especially after having read so many other people’s stories.  I know all the things that could happen. 

***********

And as an update on our embryos for anyone else going through this type of thing and want to know...today I spoke to my RE and he informed me that we have a total of 23 embryos from our original 33 that made it to freezing stage…or “cryopreservation.”  (Saying that sounds so sci-fiction.)  Of course, we’re hoping that we won’t need to use any of those 23 until a potential later date for a sibling.  (Assuming we could ever afford to do this again.)   *Praying that we’re lucky on the first try!*

One little egg

Here's our precious 5 Day Blastocyst we transferred this morning!! Our SM is doing well and resting.  I was a complete bundle of nerves all morning, but after a glass of wine and a milkshake (great combo, right?), I feel much better.  Ha! 

Our RE told us it was a Triple Grade AA.  I told him he said that to all the embryos.  He claimed that wasn't true.  I'm choosing to believe that it wasn't just to make this IM feel better.  :-)

Pray for us that this little singleton sticks!!

Guess the number?

T.h.i.r.t.y. T.h.r.e.e.  We have 33 little embryos!  Out of our over-40 eggs retrieved, 33 fertilized!!!  HOLY CRAP!  I never would have guessed.  Now we're waiting until Thursday to see how they're progressing, and how our RE grades them.  I'm astounded!  I pray for lots of blessings for our egg donor.  What amazing ovaries she has!!!!!  :-)

Worry. Depression. Waiting. Fear. Infertility.

Being an infertile woman is something I know how to do very well...after all, I've been living it for the last....oh....20 years.  Exactly 20 years!  I was 16 when I found out that I wouldn't be able to have a child.  Just like so many of you dealing with infertility, I'll never forget that moment.  That summer after I found out, I just remember falling into a deep depression and never wanting to leave the house.  I didn't feel normal, and I was so angry at God.  "Why would he do this to me?!"  I was so worried that no one would ever love me and a million other fears & worries.  All I wanted to do was sleep it all away.

Luckily over the years, I've grown to love myself and accept the situation.  And even though we're now trying to have a baby with a surrogate, sometimes...that old fear and doubt creeps in.

"What if maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom?"
"Maybe this was the world's way of telling me that I wouldn't be good at it?""
"Maybe I should just spare myself the trouble of having a kid that will grow up and hate me!"  "What if my child turns into a drug addict or kitten killer?!"

I mean, after all...for so many years, I told people I didn't care about having children right?  I didn't even really "like" kids....right?!

Well, it certainly was easier to say that and push it out of my mind than to open my heart and hope.  Open my heart to wanting it.  But all of a sudden, that heart has burst open and can't be controlled anymore.  Still, I worry sometimes.  This whole surrogacy thing is a lot of money.  And trouble.  And pain.  And heartache.  And stress.

I've actually debated whether or not to really go forward with this blog and write here after my first post.  After all, it's scary opening myself up to "the world" about something I kept hidden for so long.  But ultimately I decided to continue on...mainly because I need the support from a community of people going thru the same journey.  With the same fears and worries.   Worry that they will be a terrible mom after all.  Fear that this whole thing is so expensive and in the end, they'll have spent all their savings and still not have a family...

It's a lot easier to just go to sleep and forget about the things that hurt inside.  But I've made this decision to carry on and create a family.  That means having to grow and change....and set aside some of those old fears and worries that I've lived with for 20 years.

And in less than a month we'll be in California for our first transfer!  I'm scared as crap, but excited beyond belief at the same time.  I never thought I'd be this close!!

Introduction

Hello blog world!  My name is Michelle, and I'm an intended mom living in Brooklyn.  My husband and I are in the process of trying to have a baby...the hard way.  Via an egg donor and surrogate.

(My mom always told me that I tend to do things the hard way.  I guess she was right. Ha!)

So far we're about 6 months into this process, and after following a bunch of other surrogacy blogs....I decided to start my own.  Partially as a way to document our own process (and to help fill up all the time...waiting), but also because I still feel there are a lot of women out there who just need to feel like someone is going through this process too, and that they're not alone.

At this stage of the journey, we have a surrogate (based here in the U.S.), an egg donor (we're on our second), and we're headed for our very FIRST transfer....hopefully....in a month or so.  I'll go into the reasons why we're on our second egg donor, and yet no transfer another time.  Also, I'll elaborate on my infertility story in another post, but for now I wanted to say hi and get something up here.  :-)