Breast milk or Formula?!

We know that breast milk wins in the battle between formula and milk from the boob.  It even states that breast milk is better for the baby on formula packaging!  So of course, I'm not going to dispute the facts.  But I am going to say that for those of us NOT able to breastfeed, you may feel a bit like a pariah when hanging out with your other mommy friends who all proudly have their baby latched onto their boob at the local bar.  (Hey, it's where my mommy group meets up, okay!)

There's a lot of emotions/worry/fear/anxiety that comes along with raising a child in modern day America.  A ton of those which relate directly to how you're doing as a mom and the choices you make each day.  Are you holding your child non-stop?  Do you let the tv play in her presence?  Do you only eat organic food so that her breastmilk is the best ever?

I chronicled my own attempts to induce lactation and alas it was not to be.  I did however gain 15 lbs that I can't seem to lose.  (It all sits on my hips and abdomen too by  the way.  You'd think it would go to my boobs....but noooooooo.)  Because literally every other mom I know is breastfeeding, I do feel a bit self-conscious about whipping out the bottle.  Another reminder that my pregnancy wasn't "the normal one."  But thanks to my friend Tonya and the website Milkshare, I've been able to secure a decent amount of supplementary breast milk for Fiona.  Not enough to sustain her of course, but enough so that I joke each bottle is adding another point to her future SAT scores.  LOL.

Anyways, I post this so that other moms who can't breastfeed know that they're not alone.  And I also wanted to post a link to Milkshare b/c there are other awesome moms out there who have more milk supply than they know what to do with, and are happy to donate to moms who can't produce.  Thankfully, I've found a new mom who's daughter is two days older than Fiona who is donating all her extra to us on an ongoing basis.  I simply cannot express how amazed I am at how giving other people are.

The news media would have us believe that the world is nothing but evil people, and keep us in fear.  But each day, I am humbled by the kind and generous people I meet.

And lastly, our little gal doesn't seem to be doing so bad on mostly formula!  She's a little chunker that is already weighing in at 11 lbs.  She's 6 weeks old today!   Man, do I love a chubby baby.  :-)

My little lamb...and her lamb.

A whole lotta catchin' up to do...

A good bit has happened since I last posted...so I'll just jump into it.

I'll start with the sad news first.  I decided to stop trying to induce lactation.  It was making me crazy.  I just couldn't pump enough per day while working to produce more than barely a few drops per day.  I honestly don't know how anyone with a job can do it, but I'm sure it's possible.  Also, not being on my HRT was tough.  I hadn't had any estrogen in months and I was not feeling normal.  I had zero energy.  I was cranky.  For anyone who knows anything about HRT (and going off of it), you'll understand the other physical side effects too.  What put me over the edge was that I read an article online written by a woman talking about how struggling to breastfeed was causing her to not focus on her baby, but on herself and her failure.  It rang true with me, and made me realize that I wanted to enjoy these last few months with just me and my husband.  And then when the baby comes, I want it to just be about enjoying being with her.  For anyone else out there trying to induce lactation, I give you all serious props...and major respect!  When the baby comes, I think I'll look into a milkshare.  If anyone knows anything or has experience with that, leave me a note in the comments section.

Now for all the good news!  I feel GREAT being back on estrogen.  I feel like my NORMAL self again.  My energy level is returning back to normal.  I'm not on the verge of crying at work.  And it's only been less than a week back.  Yay!

As for the baby, we're now in the THIRD TRIMESTER!!!  I can't believe we've made it!!  As of today, we've got 79 days to go!  Woohoo!!

B sent us a baby bump pic on Monday to show us how big she is!!  So exciting that lil baby girl is in there hanging out just waiting to meet us!!!  B is doing great herself and doesn't have any issues right now.
 

Last bit of good news.  N got a new full-time job starting mid-October!!  We're super excited and will be feeling slightly less stressed about how expensive it is to raise a baby in NYC.  Now if only we could find a daycare...  The one we liked now doesn't have any openings until Sept 2013.  Only in New York.  :-\

Inducing Lactation Chronicles: Some things aren't in the instructions!

So it's day 14 of trying to induce lactation, and things are still VERY slow going.  This morning was the first morning I got drops that actually fell off into the breastpump (as opposed to clinging onto my nipple for dear life and then drying up).  Roughly I got 3 drops.  It's felt like blood, sweat and tears getting here though.  But for this morning, I feel victorious!

Earlier in the week I'd emailed back and forth with Lenore about what was possibly wrong and why I wasn't producing any milk.  She informed me that a) I was probably drinking too much water and to only drink when I was thirsty.  b) I was probably pumping too hard and not to put the breast pump higher than medium.  c) I was probably not pumping enough times per day.  The last one I knew b/c I've only managed 5-6 times per day vs. the required 8 in the protocol.  (I seriously don't know how women with full time jobs manage to do this.) But the other two, were never mentioned in the protocol she sent me originally.  In fact, it clearly states to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.  (Sometimes I wasn't even getting that!)  And as for the pumping, well...I assumed harder was better.  Give a girl some info on how to use that thing!  Lastly she suggested that I see a lactation consultant.

Later, this week N and I were excited to visit a pediatrician for a prenatal visit to check out whether or not we'd want to use her as our PCP.  One of the big reasons we were excited was because she was also a lactation consultant(!), and I was hoping for some big revelation.  Well, the revelation didn't come although the meeting was interesting in other ways that I'll get into later in the post.  The doc had no history with a woman trying to induce lactation, so she referred me to THE lactation counselor of Brooklyn.  I've had no less than four different people refer me to her, and so I decided it was time to give Freda a call.

We spoke yesterday and she gave me a couple of additional tidbits of info that Lenore did not.  First and foremost, she was a bit dubious that this was going to work well in my case.  The main reason being she said was that she doubted my milk ducts were developed enough b/c I'd never actually been pregnant (even with a miscarriage).  She confirmed that re-lactating is much easier, but trying to get milk from someone who's never been pregnant is truly hard.  (Yeah, I know!!!  But it was just nice hearing her confirm it.)  However, she still thought it was worth continuing on, and hopefully it would get better and more milk would come. Especially since I have almost 3 months before the baby comes.  She also confirmed to start with the pump on the lowest setting, and slowly turn the intensity of the pump up.  Medium she said was a good level, and if it ever started to hurt then it was too high.  (Now I know!!?!*$&#)  She agreed that the protocol and everything else I was doing was good, and said she wouldn't change anything.  She suggested I check back in in another month.

With all that info, I have a bit more peace.  I'm not failing.  It's just HARD!  And my body doesn't turn on it's milk ducts like a light switch.  So part of me still wants to stop, but the other part wants to continue on.  Especially with this morning's victory of three drops!

So in summary here's what was NOT in my instructions for women who've never been pregnant before:

• Drink water when you're thirsty
• Start the pump low, and then slowly turn it up to medium.
• If the breast pumping hurts, it means you're doing it on too high of a setting.
• Definitely pump 8 times per day.  Very important.  (Still the most difficult one though.)
• Don't be so hard on yourself.  

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Now for a quick recap of the visit to the pediatrician's office.  

Apparently it's normal for families to meet in groups for a new pediatrician consult, so I was surprised that the doctor let us have a solo (and free) consultation with her.  The first thing she asked obviously was when we were due and did I have any medical issues.  So I told her yes, I had AIS and therefore couldn't carry a child of my own.  We went over some normal baby-related questions and things about her practice, but it seemed that the majority of the visit consisted of her asking me about AIS. This was the first time that N had ever been with me when I was getting grilled by a medical professional about my diagnosis, so it was interesting for him to watch me "educate" someone on my medical condition.  

That's basically what it's like whenever I go to a new doctor.  She said she wanted to go home that night and read up on it b/c she'd *maybe* met one other woman like me in her career.  (Don't I feel special?)  

She asked about "the mother" two different times and whether or not she had the option to keep the baby.  Which I informed her that in gestational surrogacy she is not related to the baby, and reminded her that we were using an egg donor.  She also suggested that I should look for new parent groups so that I wouldn't feel isolated.  But then said, well, you might feel more isolated b/c the other moms would be weird with you since you're not actually pregnant.  (You never know just how isolated you feel until someone reminds you of how isolated you must feel.)  

In the end, I don't think this was the right doctor for us.  

Breast Pumping: Day 8

It's been 8 days since I started breast pumping in my goal to induce lactation.  I'm sad to say that so far I've had very poor results.  I get MAYBE a drop out of righty if I'm lucky.  Lefty is being very uncooperative and producing nothing.  Sometimes I get nothing out of both.  I've upped my domperidone dosage to 100 mg per day.  30 mg twice per day and 20 mg twice per day.  This is up from 80 mg per day.  I'm pumping about 5-6 times per day which seems to be all that I can manage at this point.  (The suggested time is 8 times per day, but I honestly don't know how anyone with a job can manage that.)

I'm trying not to let these results get me down.

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On a completely unrelated and much happier note, N and I went to Milford, PA this weekend to enjoy a little mini-babymoon in honor of Labor Day weekend.  We went tubing down the Delaware River, hiking with our dogs, ate lots of delicious food and generally had a great time.  (I know it doesn't sound like an exotic place to go for a babymoon, but relaxing down the Delaware was definitely a treat.  And I am not taking days off prior to the baby coming so that I can use all those PTO days for my maternity leave.  The goal is staying out of work for 4 months!)

Anyways, here'a  pic of our relaxing weekend.  

Breast pumping: Day 2

Only got a very teeny drop from each one during the pumping sessions.  I'm trying not to feel discouraged since everyone's body is different, and it's only Day 3 (this morning).  But I went back and re-read Tonya's first post about her inducing, and it made me feel even less successful.  Oh well, keep plugging away.  Just wanted to give an update.

25 wks 6 days: Making progress!! Plus breast pumping.

Well, a lot has gone on this weekend so far...and it's not even over yet!  N and I went down to Pennsylvania to visit his family and drop off some of our things into storage.  Out went the kitchen table, kitchen chairs, and an upholstered chair from the "office."  Back to NY came a rug for the baby's room. It's a nice gray solid wall-to-wall wool carpet that's bound on all four edges.  (If you don't have a lot of money to spend on a rug, I highly recommend going to your local carpet store and picking up a remnant and having it bound.  It's not a lot of money and you can find some really nice carpet pieces.)  We also got a thick pad for underneath the carpet which will give the baby some additional cushion during tummy time.  I'm also a firm believer in rugs & carpets to help soundproof.  Since we live in an apartment on the top floor, I want to do as much as I can to help reduce the frustration my neighbors are going to experience during middle of the night crying sessions.  :-(

Yesterday we also went over to Babies R Us and met up with some very great friends of ours for a family shopping excursion.  (Fun way to see your friends when they have kids btw!) They needed to get their 11 month old some new clothes, and we wanted to get a car seat.  (Plus they were kind enough to give us their Rock-n-Play Sleeper which is going to be awesome for when we travel to pick up the baby!)  At any rate, Babies R Us is having a trade-in event right now where you can bring in any old gear (like the old car seat from 2007 my boss gave me) and get 25% off a new car seat or stroller, etc.  I felt a little bit bad about the whole trade-in with the one my boss gave me b/c she meant well...but it was missing it's base, and it was kind of grubby.  Plus it was on the cusp of having expired.  I like saving money, but I also want my baby to be safe and snug.  Anyways, we got the Chicco KeyFit 30 Magic Infant Car Seat.  We liked it best because the hood pulls over farther than any other, and it has a velcro-on all-weather "boot" for cold weather.  Since our little girl is going to be born just a few days shy of December, I figured all that would help keep out the cold more.  The one bad thing about the car seat is it's rather ugly and has brown ultrasuede trim.  Oh well...I can't complain too much b/c we got 25% off.

While we were there, N and I decided to register as well.  Going to a Babies R Us store in the suburbs is a totally different experience than going in NYC.  The one in the city is PACKED and it's overwhelming to say the least.  The ones in the Philly suburbs have nice salespeople who have never questioned my lack of a baby bump! I love that!!!  It got huge points from me.  Plus they have great specialists who knew all about the different products.  Anyways, N was really getting into registering...especially for things like bibs and accessories.  Haha.  I liked sharing that experience with him.  And it was much better to see things in person than when I registered at Amazon.  Although I have to say that Babies R Us has less selection than Amazon, so we'll end up keeping both.  Meanwhile, our moms are trying to figure out a baby shower.  My MIL thinks it's not proper etiquette for her to throw one, and a friend of mine has offered...but has since gone MIA.  So I dunno.  I'm not too worried, I'm sure they'll figure it out b/c my mom and his mom are dying to do it.  Looks like it will be around Oct 6th.

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And finally, I started pumping today at long last!  As a reminder, I've been on both Provera and Prometrium (alternately) and the Domperidone.  So far, I haven't taken any fenugreek or blessed thistle herbs.  Anyways, I started pumping and got a few teeeeeensy clear drops out of the lefty.  Nothing out of righty yet.  I'm super excited to even get a tiny bit of anything on the first try!  I couldn't believe it!   What I'm not excited about is having to pump 8 times per day for 20 minutes!!  OMG!  Especially at work.  I'm not sure how I'll get through that.  But where there's a will there's a way!!

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On the baby front, I spoke with B two days ago and everything is going great!  The baby has been moving quite a bit....all the time now.  B said it used to just be at night, but now it's all day.  She's also been craving peanut butter sandwiches nonstop (which is good I suppose b/c it's one of my favorite foods too!) and she's been getting heartburn a lot.  B thinks all the heartburn means that the baby is going to have a head full of hair.  I hope that's what it means.  It would be pretty awesome to have a baby with hair!  N and I both were complete baldies for awhile.  Apparently his family used to refer to him as Uncle Fester when he was a baby.  Hahaha!!

Anyways, that's it for now.  More later as I continue to pump!  Cross your fingers that I start getting a lot soon!  I think I'm going to start adding a Guinness each night to help build my milk supply.  Apparently it's supposed to help, and also since I don't get to drink any more (partially b/c of the breastfeeding but mainly b/c of the dehydration it causes from the domperidone), I'm excited to get a little something to help relax at the end of the day!

Inducing lactation, week 3 update

So I still haven't started pumping.  I am holding off for longer.  No good reason I suppose, other than the fact that my breasts just don't feel ready yet.  Others have reported a feeling of engorgment - like they needed to pump.  Mine have not gotten that feeling yet.  So I'm going to give it at least another week.  Maybe even two.

I have noticed some general side effects of the provera + domperidone combination.  They are:  general tiredness and lack of energy, slightly more scatterbrained than usual, major dehydrated mouth/body if I'm not drinking tons of water (and don't even think of drinking alcohol while taking the dom b/c you'll be double dehydrated).  I don't know how much of the tiredness and scatterbrained-ness is due to my lack of HRT.  My body is used to having estrogen each day, and now with zero estrogen, I can tell you that life isn't pleasant - the particulars I will leave out.  Therefore I upped an estrogen supplement that I used to take 3 times per week to almost daily.  It's not my full regimen, but it's helping somewhat.  So far this inducing lactation thing has not been for the faint of heart.  I'm probably also holding off on starting to use the breast pump b/c it's just one more thing.

At any rate, I'm powering through.  It will all be worth it in the end.  Please pray that my body starts responding more robustly to the meds.  It would be great to really be able to get some milk after all this craziness.  :-)

Oh, and we're 18 weeks and 1 day!  Woot woot!!  It's going fast.  Well, sort of.  I can't believe that it will be less than 2 weeks for our big ultrasound when we're going to be down South with B.  I'm so excited for some bbq and sweet tea!